Hmm. At least she's quiet now. There is my lil O, sitting serenely on the computer chair, unaware, by all assumption, that I am debating whether or not she shall die.

I do not mean this figuratively. There is the very real possibility that I shall have to put the girl to sleep.

This is why:

I am moving into a house with three very nice people. I am introudicing into this house a cat who has a deadly disease, the feline form of AIDS, who howls rabidly when in heat, and who has some bladder problems (or behavior, i don't know) which has her covertly peeing on anything soft. Couches, plastic things, backpacks...

*sigh* most of my laundry has fallen victim to her at some point. This is probably at least muchly my fault, from when I was leaving her home by herself so much.

I can't get rid of her by giving her away-- except for the fact that she is very cute, she's got no selling points. Oh, and bright. Like a little orange monkey. We can't get any other cats that aren't also FLV positive.

This last heat has been horrible. She sticks her little pink hiney at anything that moves, begging loudly to be mounted. Which is something that we peoples cannot help with. It's heart-wrenching.

She MUST be fixed. I haven't even been able to afford /that/.

I keep hoping that most of her problems will be solved when she's wombless, but there's still the nagging 'maybe' that says she's been banshee-howling so long, she /can't/ stoppit. I can't punish her for the peeing; as I never see her do it.

I don't know what to do. Well, there is one thing, but I cannot say 'it's for the best'. Because I know it's NOT the best thing for her; putting her down is like throwing out an expensive, but stained piece of clothing with sentamental value. It'll make life more comfortable for us people, and she won't have one anymore.

Of course, my mother says very calmly that this is exactly what I should do. Tough luck. So very sorry.

Fuck.

It's still some weeks before I can even make an appointment to have her spayed. I... jesus blasted goddamn pig fucking CHRIST!!!

And it isn't even that I don't want her gone on some level, but I don't want to have that on my hands. And I can't just... let her outside and off she goes. She's got FLV. She'd infect any other cat she came in contact with, /and/ pass it on to the zillions of kittens she'd have.

Woosh.

She's already driving Fox crazy with the noise and the peeing. Fox hates her, partially because of that, partially because her Percy had to go live with Clay so O could have a place to live. Because Percy doesn't have Feline Lukemia. If O were gone, we could have Percy and Healthy Cats.

If there were other cats, and with all the people, maybe Percy wouldn't rip big holes in people. Bite and scratch marks that bleed. He doesn't do it over at Clay's, with the other two cats there.

So, to reiterate, I don't know what to do. What I can do matinant is severely limited. The wee orange pixie is always staring at me, miowing as if she's got some urgent message. 'Timmy's in the Well'. 'The Apocolypse is coming'. 'Why can't you understand me!?'

I could ask you the same thing, sweetheart. I'm afraid it's a matter of life and death.

<<agé chose>>

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