For the past-- oh, I'd say year to year and a half, I have been, as far as I can say, working for The Light. Yeah, with the caps.

Prior to that, I was steadfastly an avowed Grey.

Not without reason. For example.

I am finding trouble tonight with my chief... well, personal concern. Understanding. Um, I'd better explain that.

When I am talking to someone, face to face, or over the phone, I can see, with diabolical clarity, the other person's point of view. This makes arguing or discussing sometimes very difficult, and sometimes not so.

It makes sticky situations where there are a lot of emotions and I sympathise with pretty much everyone Very difficult. It also renders me almost incapable of holding grudges.

Oh, there is one grudge I'l carry with me always, but it's a high school idealist thing. Glimpsing the Enemy, and all of that...

but never mind.

Another side effect: I almost never make absolute statements, and I generally mistrust them when I hear them. I also mistrust the terms 'clearly' and 'obviously'. I can't see most of the chessboard, so to speak, and a mere trick of the light might change it completely for another viewer. Besides, things change so much. Or not. That's one of the confusing things.

I feel like Gath in those books I previously mentioned I was reading. All mixed up.

I'm tired of hedging and I'm tired of walking on tightropes. Maybe I really don't have to, but I'm not sure I like the consequences of not. Better safe than sorry and all that? Better, but exhausting. No, this isn't about any one thing in particular. I am quite capabale of being general.

You didn't say I wasn't though, whomever you are.

Yes, yes, of course you didn't. I apologise for presuming. I'm really, just very tired.

More than anything, I want to know why I have this burning feeling in my gut, this little voice in my ear that keeps muttering, or screaming or whispering shrilly, Fly! Pick up your rabbit feet and flee like the wind! Run!.

Where to? With what? How would I? How could I?

It's the need itself that scares me, almost as strong as the need for sex. Which I have lived without, mind you, but gods, it makes thinking very difficult, and takes a toll on my ethics. I do not indulge it, because... I can't. Or I won't. The something keeps whispering that I could find a way, if I tried hard enough, but my mind gets to dull past that point and I won't.

I have my reasons for not, I say, and they ought to be good enough for me.

And then there is this rather paranoid feeling I have, but I won't get into that here, mostly. I am saying things here, you understand, bleeding out loud, as it were, because things keep dying in my throat (that's one of the words I can never goddamn spell!!!) before I can really consider getting them out. Maybe it's my cowardice. I don't know.

It's the paranoia, part of it. Not wanting to share any of the information I have gathered. Thinking it makes me vulnerable to attack. Strike a blow for the Rabbit, eh? Or against?

Gods, I am so fucking mixed up I can't bloody tell which it is.

people with mental ilnesses trying to help other people with mental ilnesses... But. I keep thinking this is the only thing that matters: A love and devotion to peaceful conflict, to rationality, to clear thinking, to intelligence. Soft spoken. Voices quiet, but intense. Open minds.

This might be idealism. I don't know. Peaceful conflict? That's coming to the table prepared that you might have fucked up, or been wrong in some way, even if you're not the only one, and being prepared to live with that.

Or at least, knowing that you have a difficulty doing that.

Have you ever really contemplated the bit... "Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world"? And not had your brain go fuzzy trying to comprehend it?

Generals don't often second guess themselves, but I'm not a general now, and the sorts of battles I keep seeing around me involve hearts and souls as opposed to trade agreements et cetera. And I keep thinking that, in that respect, before one strikes, one must keep examining oneself.

Have you ever been faced with the thought of something, and found it abhorrent? Repellant, I mean... almost as impossible to contemplate, as to contemplate actually doing? Like a big weight pressed upon you when you thought about it. The unthinkable, to use the mot juste. Or just 'too much'. Or impossible.

Have you ever then asked yourself why it was or seemed unthinkable and/or impossible?

Oh hell, some things just are. Murder, cheating, lying, stealing... the sort of things that cause crises of concience every day, because they've just felt wrong to a majority of people for a majority of the time. Um... natural laws, as much as social laws can be said to exist.

I am beginning to think that evil is the part where you stop asking why.

'Why' is an excercise in free will, and I believe everyone ought to stretch that muscle some, to make sure they have it. And I have serious doubts about the word 'impossible' save as a mathmatical term. By nature rhetorical.

Applying mathmatical formulai (or maybe i mean method) to social situations seems to yeild a rhetorical situation.

I'm a stickler for terminology.

And this has turned into a ramble. Quite possibly a mad one. Very likely, one that will be of no benifit to me, save in having been said, on a personal level. I am not sure what that means.

So I will cease now. I want to talk to Honoré. Who at least seems to have some of the understanding in the way I do.

Damn uncertanty principles. Damn that Cynica.

<<agé chose>>

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